October 03, 2012

A Little Something from Cheyenne

My Favorite Song...

My favorite song is called ' When the Rain comes' by Third Day. I first found it while going through some music in my Mothers computer when I came across the band, and it caught my attention because I had heard about the band but didn't really know any of their songs. So, being as curious as a cat, I decided to give it try and listen to some of the songs on the album.
The third song really struck a note with me. It starts out with the sound of a tambourine being gently hit and shaken a bit, then a guitar starts up in a similar beat that is very cohesive with the tambourine. Then the singer strikes up. As I listen to the words I hear the meaning as well. To others it might mean comforting someone with a great lost hanging heavy in their heart, but to me its different. It reminded me of all the hard ships we went through and everything we've had to endure and put up with over the years. Yet, at the same time, it really reminds me of how strong my family really is, and that no matter what, we are always there for each other.
Every time i hear the song I cant help but tear up a little because it makes me think of all the things that I have blamed on my self, and all the times that I've shut people out of myself because I always thought it wasn't good to let people be there for me, and I am still kind of that way now, but not as bad. After listening to that song, something clicked in my head, something made me realize just what me and my family have done for one another. What we've been doing our whole lives. Comforting and supporting each other.
One example is when my dad called me out of the blue and told me his kidneys have failed, and that he might not have more than a few years left in him. I couldn't speak, I couldn't cry, I could barley breath. All I needed was some help to understand it all. I was only about twelve at the time, and I was scared that I would lose him. I was scared that everything else would start falling apart. Even though I was suddenly crying hysterically, my mom and sisters and brother and dad were all there for me. My mom told me everything would be ok and I believed her for the sake of my dad's well being.
Another example is when we lost my baby sister before she was born. That was the most devastating day of my life, but instead of crying for just my sister I cried for the whole family and what could never be, I stayed with everyone and kept strong for my family.we were all hurting, but we stayed rooted through that storm and supported each other.
 My family is strong and so am I. We have been through so much and still we go on with life, yes with scars and  sometimes past weariness dragging at our heals, but we do so with strength and courage. We go through life knowing if we fall, we can get back up and lean on one another until we can stand on our own two feet. Even at a young age I always knew if momma's crying or hurting, I have to be strong for her. If  my sisters were having a bad day, try to fix it. If my brothers aren't having such a good time with something  help and do what ever it takes to make them happy. It's always been that way in my family, since the beginning and as long as I could remember. That's what i know and that's what i love, and the song 'When the rain Comes' reminds me of every time I hear it.
So  that is why the song 'When the rain Comes' is my favorite song and why it means so much to me. Because it reminds me that my family is stronger that anything in the world, and that we've been to hell and back, but we will always be there for each other. No matter what.

Thank You.Cheyenne

November 25, 2011


I am so very Thankful for all the little things, every day, cuddling my kids on the couch, making dinner, knowing that they are fed, warm and safe. Checking on them as they sleep, seeing their precious, little faces, and kissing them, so they know mommy is right there. Making room in my bed for who ever needs extra mommy love, after a bad dream in the middle of the night.

For my older girls who love all their Angel siblings, and will always talk about them, to make me smile. For Cheyenne who wants to make sure the wold never forgets that her mommy has 5 other babies, For Beverly who's in College to become a PA, so she can help take care of people, so no one ever has to be sad because they lost someone. For Savannah, because she always knows when I need an extra hug, For Merrick, I know he will always take care me. For Lucien, he has healed my heart, and our whole family.

and, for my 5 Angels, they made me who I am, taught me unconditional love, made me a mommy, gave me the greatest joy, and strengthened my faith. They have taught me so very much about Heavenly Fathers Love and Grace. I know when I fall apart that they are all here with me giving me the courage and strength to go on, and never give up.

September 07, 2011


Most people are kind after you lose a baby, but then expect you to be over it as though your baby, were an object that was miss placed and you can easily get another one. A baby no matter how small is more, so much more, a baby is a Gift , a Treasure, a Person, a Hope ,a Dream, a Wish, Love.

September 02, 2011

another Birthday post?

it was just Shannon and Layla's 16 th Birthday and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't write about it, not because I didn't want to celebrate their life but because it's also their 16 th year away from me.

I had a dream that there was a party for them in Heaven, with balloons, flowers and an HUGE cake. My grandparents were there, so were Kurtis and Mina and lots of other sweet angels. I guess it should have been a happy dream but when I woke up I was sobbing. The pain and anger and sorrow hit me again, like a ton of bricks. I make up reason in my head as to why they had to go, but the truth is there is no valid reason why my sweet girls are not with me. I even act like I'm "over" it. I found myself was annoyed when I got an invitation to an angelversary event for a baby who had been gone 26 years. I thought how could this mom not be over it? I think I was annoyed because I want some sort of hope that, the pain goes away, or gets easier. I of all people know it doesn't, at best it's not as sharp.

I wish I could be at peace with my Angel's being gone, I wish I had some comfort, but mostly I wish they were all here with me.


mommy love's you with all of her heart...

August 05, 2011

School Started

My kiddo's started School Wednesday, Chy is very excited about her classes,German, Art and Astronomy, at first she thought it said astrology, and so of course we were like...WHAT???? she's so silly. Sassy is in 4th grade now...wooot!!! and my sweet little Bear started kindergarten, I'm so happy and sad! mister Lu is going to pre School, gosh that baby is smart, I think he'll be reading before long, He can count to 20 in 3 languages, knows all his colors and shapes, it sure helps having older siblings!

My camera broke so no pics to post, my phone takes the worst pics!!!

July 18, 2011

20 years ago

20 years ago, a young lady, learned that her life would be changed for ever, she didn't get to say "hello" or "goodbye", she was told not to cry, because there would be others, she was told that these things happen for a reason, and to everyone.

20 years later she knows, her life is better because of the trials, that saying "hello" will happen and she will never have to say "goodbye". She can cry whenever she wants to, and as much as she wants to. No matter how many others there are there will never be another like you. Someday the reason" why" won't matter, and it doesn't happen to just anyone, only to the most special, Mommy's. Not everyone is strong enough to be an Angel Mommy.

18 weeks was not nearly long enough, but I'm so glad I had those few weeks, without you I wouldn't be me, you taught me unconditional love, faith, and hope.

Happy Birthday, my Darling Son, some day I will be with you all again, and I WILL NEVER say goodbye.

Kurtis Ryan 7-19-1991 lost/taken/stolen at 18 weeks to save my life.

What I wouldn't give to have you here.

April 09, 2011

I can't do 3 years

Today is one of the days that I just can't do...I want to hide in bed all day and for all this to have been a really bad dream! When Lu was sick this last week, and the Dr.'s couldn't help him I got so scared....I can never go through this again!!!! I'm sure that right now the flash backs are because he was so sick, I just am not this strong, my limit had been tapped. Mina I miss you so much.....