Love Concercrated by God

Mina Elizabeth

We found out we we're Pregnant early in October, we told each other we we're not going to get over excited, or tell anyone for a while, but the excitement was exploding from us and we went crazy, told everyone and anyone who would listen that our little bundle was on her way, oh we waited so long for her to come. We did all the Doctor apt.s starting at 8 weeks, I had to get my cervix sewn shut at 13 weeks but things we're going well, I was sick and very tired but I just knew it would all be worth it when I could see her happy face.

Dec 28, 2008 I had an ultra sound, Mike was actually working so I went alone, he waited by the phone for me to call and let him know all was well, Mina was growing so fast and wiggly as ever, 18 weeks and amazing, I had no idea this was going to be the last time I would see her alive.

January 4, 2008 I went in for my P17 shot to help prevent early labor, they didn't check her heart beat but I swear I could feel her moving, just very faint bubbles, that kind of made me queasy, but it was so sweet to feel her in my tummy, I prayed every night for Heavenly Father to keep Mina safe, we also got news that all the genetic test came back OK but that I would have to go for some more testing in about 2 weeks, I never got to go to that apt. We had Blissful week not knowing anything was going to go wrong, Mike starts talking to the baby, I feel her move more often, the girls kiss her goodnight when they go to bed she is such a HUGE part of us all now.

January 7, 2008 we go to E.R I have the worst headache ever I thought maybe my blood pressure is high or somethings wrong, and I feel weak, but t the E.R. the nurse was rude to me saying there was nothing they could do fro me and she didn't know why I would even come there, of course I got mad, but asked if they could just check the baby and my b/p. She was still being rude and told me yes but we'd have to wait like an hour or more.....there was no other patients there at all, so I figured they just wanted to be crappy to me so we left.....Mike wanted me to go to the the other Hosp. where we would deliver Mina, but it was so far and getting late, and I had a DR. apt in a few days.....so , no I wait.

January 10,2008 20 week our Regularly O.B. apt, it was about 8:30 in the morning we we're to have an ultrasound to check my cervix, and check Mina as well, we we're joking with the tech. about if Mina was a boy or girl, we knew she was a girl from the start, the tech, said " I'm sorry" I thought she was going to tell us we we're having a boy , but she said I'm not finding a heartbeat, today" "WHAT!!!?? Mike what is she talking about, what the Hell is going on? Mike screams "ARE YOU JOKING? IS THIS A JOKE? THIS ISN'T FUNNY" she says to hold on I'll get the doctor maybe I'm wrong we'll have her look. Mike started screaming and sobbing "WHY, MY BABY'S GONE,WHY, WHAT THE F**K, WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS" The Doctor came in about 20 mins. later we are, grasping at hope, that the tech is wrong, but the Doctor looks and finds no heartbeat either.

I'm sobbing Mike is screaming, I think I actually hear his heart break, I have never seen my husband, cry let alone fall apart like that. We are sent to the Hospital for a second opinion, as if that is going to change anything. On our way we call our Bishop, and everyone we can think of, to HELP! I get a blessing before they do another ultrasound, but I knew, I think I knew a few days earlier, when my head started hurting so bad that something was wrong, we get through the third ultrasound , I don't remember any of it, I was in shock, Mike, still was sobbing, the tech there was cold and horrible, she says "well you knew before you came here, there's no heartbeat" well no crap lady, but we're her parents and hope was all we have so shut up and let me go but no they want to do measurements.

We're sent back to our DR. office, I can't go in, Mike tells the nurse we're there and they bring me in a back door I can't bear the other happy PG women right now. We're taken to a far Back room, and wait, not long, but long enough, Dr. comes in and give us our options, we can do a D&E or deliver, deliver of course, OK so then we can do it Friday or wait for her to come on her own, we don't have to answer now , I have to get my stitch removed in the morning and then we can figure it all out, go home and rest.

On the way home we stop and get the girls we say nothing until we have everyone at home, Daddy can't do it, he can't break their hearts, so I do it, I tell them baby sissy, has died. My girls cry for hours, we take everyone to our room and snuggle they kiss baby sissy in my belly, we all cry for hours. despair takes over and I sleep alone with my angel for the last time, begging Heavenly Father for a Miracle, he comes and comforts me, I feel him wrap around me like a warm hug taking away my pain briefly. Bear is too young to know whats going on still, he will know of her someday, he will always be her big brother.

January 11, 2008 our world falls apart, we got the Dr. she is so kind we are trying to hang on and be strong, We choose to deliver today, I can't do this anymore, she takes out my stitch and sends me to LDR, they stupidly think I'm someone else, I break down, and weep, Mike was on the phone out side, he can't handle this, but I need him, we go to a room, 301, off by it's self aloe, they place a card on our door it has a purple leaf with a tear on it to let everyone know our baby won't be born, just delivered. We try to prepare, we want to be alone, the nurses are so kind, but they have to ask so many questions, the worst was where are you going to send her body, do you have a funeral home? WHAT? I can't believe we have to do this, aren't you suppose to be born and we have a shower, not a funeral. This is way too much.... Dr. gives my some meds to thin out my cervix which was already doing it on it's own, my body has betrayed my heart, can't I just go home? We have visitors, and make funeral arrangements, I will not, bury Mina in Missouri, I will not leave you in this awful place, I want to take you home to Calif.. Crap Mina doesn't have a dress, we need a dress and her teddy we make calls, our very good friend brings the most beautiful, dress ever and blanket, Grandpa brings her teddy and cards from sisters and brother, a family Portrait, Shannon and Layla's blanket, just stuff so she knows we love her oh so much. I'm not sure what time it was but, 6 hours after they started the meds. it was time, it took a lot of pushing to get her out, it hurt so bad so they,gave me morphine, I wish they wouldn't have but, whatever. Here she was, they ask if we want to see you, of course Mike was right there, wanting to hold Mina so bad. Oh my, she is so tiny, Mike is sobbing,"she is so beautiful, she's my wittle ittle" "I know baby I know" he held her while they finished with me, the rest of the delivery went well, I had to beg, Mike to let, me hold her he didn't want to give her up. My angel is now in my hands, she is amazing, oh my gosh she looks like Sassy and Bear, squished together, daddy says she looks like me.....no she's too beautiful to look like me. We held her for hours and cried, the nurse came in and took her to take pics, with her dress and other stuff.. Mike left for a short time to get his sister, she came from California to help. No one can help, my baby is dead and no one can change it. I was so drugged the first night time was a blur. We didn't share her with anyone, I regret it now, sisters should have been able to say goodbye but I was trying to protect them. Mike leaves for the night, it was awful being alone, but I never told him, he didn't sleep either, he came back first thing in the morning, my Dad stopped by we did share her pic with him, and a few other people.

I went home as soon as I could, without Mina I saw no reason to be there, I just wanted to die, my pain is still overwhelming. the first week was hard, Mike and I started to argue,we had never done that before, I wanted a funeral he didn't, I needed to talk he can't, I thought it was going to break us apart for a while, but we have worked through it, he still can't talk about Mina and I can't stop.

July 14, 2008 The pain is still raw but a bit better the last six months have been hard, I'm not totally here all the time and think I might need anti -depressants. We also have gone through some other major family things that would by themselves been fine but compiled with my grief are just so hard. I know time is the only thing that will help but in time.