20 years ago, a young lady, learned that her life would be changed for ever, she didn't get to say "hello" or "goodbye", she was told not to cry, because there would be others, she was told that these things happen for a reason, and to everyone.
20 years later she knows, her life is better because of the trials, that saying "hello" will happen and she will never have to say "goodbye". She can cry whenever she wants to, and as much as she wants to. No matter how many others there are there will never be another like you. Someday the reason" why" won't matter, and it doesn't happen to just anyone, only to the most special, Mommy's. Not everyone is strong enough to be an Angel Mommy.
18 weeks was not nearly long enough, but I'm so glad I had those few weeks, without you I wouldn't be me, you taught me unconditional love, faith, and hope.
Happy Birthday, my Darling Son, some day I will be with you all again, and I WILL NEVER say goodbye.
Kurtis Ryan 7-19-1991 lost/taken/stolen at 18 weeks to save my life.
What I wouldn't give to have you here.
Showing posts with label heaven angels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heaven angels. Show all posts
July 18, 2011
January 11, 2011
Letter to Mina
Dearest Mina,
Today is your Birthday again and it's been three years since I held you. I remember every detail of your sweet face, your eyes just like Savannah's and lips just like Merrick's, your lovely dark hair, there was so much hair already, your sweet spirit that I felt from, the first time I heard your heartbeat. I miss talking to you and getting to know you, I wonder if you still like peach ice cream (weird craving).
I dreamed of you just a few nights before we found out you died, I have always wondered if you were trying to prepare me for what was about to happen, you looked just like you did in my dream. I still dream about you, dancing and playing with your sisters and brother, with Grandma and Papa watching over you, or you holding a little gray kitten, smiling at me from a distance. I hope someday that I can be with you again, I miss you all so much!
I'm doing better now, I can talk about you and share your story without breaking down every time, I can think of the wonderful things about your being here and not just the fact that your gone now. I know you and the my other angels watch over the kids here and keep them safe.
Little love you are a special treasure that I will never give up, having you was one of the greatest gifts I've gotten and I would do it all over a thousand times, just to spend a single second with you, the joy and love you have given our family and the gifts you left behind make it all worth it.
I miss you. I love you! Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet angel.
with all my love,
Mommy
Today is your Birthday again and it's been three years since I held you. I remember every detail of your sweet face, your eyes just like Savannah's and lips just like Merrick's, your lovely dark hair, there was so much hair already, your sweet spirit that I felt from, the first time I heard your heartbeat. I miss talking to you and getting to know you, I wonder if you still like peach ice cream (weird craving).
I dreamed of you just a few nights before we found out you died, I have always wondered if you were trying to prepare me for what was about to happen, you looked just like you did in my dream. I still dream about you, dancing and playing with your sisters and brother, with Grandma and Papa watching over you, or you holding a little gray kitten, smiling at me from a distance. I hope someday that I can be with you again, I miss you all so much!
I'm doing better now, I can talk about you and share your story without breaking down every time, I can think of the wonderful things about your being here and not just the fact that your gone now. I know you and the my other angels watch over the kids here and keep them safe.
Little love you are a special treasure that I will never give up, having you was one of the greatest gifts I've gotten and I would do it all over a thousand times, just to spend a single second with you, the joy and love you have given our family and the gifts you left behind make it all worth it.
I miss you. I love you! Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet angel.
with all my love,
Mommy
November 04, 2010
Healing
So I have an amazing person in my life now, who is helping things heal...crazy!! He is so great I've know him since i was 6 years old so I guess he's not new but he's back, it's been so long since, I had someone around who remembers the old me (before my losses), he's also helping me with the kids to be a better mom.
Not that I'm a bad mom, just sometimes the sorrow takes away any joy I get out of holidays, I have learned that it's O.K. to enjoy the day, and still love and miss the babies! I know I should have got this sooner but amid all the crap I was going through, with other parts of my life I some how forgot....so, while I'm still really mad, (been mad for about a year now) I am finding joy in small ways. I am so grateful for my earth Angels, I'm not sure I would have the strength to go on in this life without them and Lucien is the very best rainbow I could have gotten, he brings joy to everyone, mostly me, all the time he is for sure a special spirit, and I know he was sent to help me heal.......
I really hope the "mad" goes away soon it's so exhausting! and I have found myself getting bitter, I'm sure that in time I can get through it, all*sigh*
Not that I'm a bad mom, just sometimes the sorrow takes away any joy I get out of holidays, I have learned that it's O.K. to enjoy the day, and still love and miss the babies! I know I should have got this sooner but amid all the crap I was going through, with other parts of my life I some how forgot....so, while I'm still really mad, (been mad for about a year now) I am finding joy in small ways. I am so grateful for my earth Angels, I'm not sure I would have the strength to go on in this life without them and Lucien is the very best rainbow I could have gotten, he brings joy to everyone, mostly me, all the time he is for sure a special spirit, and I know he was sent to help me heal.......
I really hope the "mad" goes away soon it's so exhausting! and I have found myself getting bitter, I'm sure that in time I can get through it, all*sigh*
August 25, 2010
another year without you....
It's been another year and I'm miss you more then ever......every time I try to be positive, I find no reason to be, I'm not going to the Cemetery, it hurts too bad!
A dear friend told me, maybe it was time to move on... how can I move on with out you? There is a HUGE piece of my life missing.
Wow, has it really been 15 years? it still hurts like it was yesterday. all I wanted was to hold you both and raise you and love you, but I guess all I get to do now is just love you, and I do love you more then anything!
Happy Birthday Layla and Shannon!!!
July 19, 2010
Happy Birthday
my Dear Son,
you'd be 19 today, no one remembered just me, I sit here a cry because i still miss you so much, I wonder if your dad ever think of you, not that I care what he feels, but it would be nice to know someone else remembers that you were here. It's hard to believe that I should have a 19 year old son, I wonder who you look like and how tall you are, I miss all the thing that should have been, your first birthday, first steps, first day of school, your first everything, I hope someday I get to share these with you. I love you beyond words and I know you were here, might have only been 18 weeks but long enough to fall in love with you.
Happy Birthday my sweet son, I Love You so very much!!! miss you every day!
you'd be 19 today, no one remembered just me, I sit here a cry because i still miss you so much, I wonder if your dad ever think of you, not that I care what he feels, but it would be nice to know someone else remembers that you were here. It's hard to believe that I should have a 19 year old son, I wonder who you look like and how tall you are, I miss all the thing that should have been, your first birthday, first steps, first day of school, your first everything, I hope someday I get to share these with you. I love you beyond words and I know you were here, might have only been 18 weeks but long enough to fall in love with you.
Happy Birthday my sweet son, I Love You so very much!!! miss you every day!
January 11, 2010
Happy Birthday Mina Elizabeth
I hope there are Birthdays in Heaven, and that the sun shines brighter today.
My heart hurts as much maybe more then the day she left, there is a hole that will never be filled, I know someday, she will be in my arms again, but it wont be soon enough. We all miss her so very much, Savannah just went to school crying, I asked her to have a good day for baby sissy, and not be sad, I hope she makes it the whole day. When Savannah gets home we're going to make a birthday cake for Mina, we've never done this before but, I thought it might help the girls, I'm not sure if its a good idea yet...we'll see.
One day I'm going to write everything about Mina's very short time with us, I was going to try to do it today but my head hurts and I can't see through my tears.
Happy Birthday Mina Elizabeth!!!!!
I love you to the stars and back!
December 12, 2009
Missing my Angels
Christmas time again, and it's very hard this year....I'm not sure why this year seems so much more painful then before, but it is and I miss the babies so much I would love to have them all here with me acting silly, decorating the house, making cookies and Christmas cards all the fun stuff....
So if you ask me want I want for Christmas, I will tell you my Angels.....
So if you ask me want I want for Christmas, I will tell you my Angels.....
September 03, 2009
August 25
It was Shannon and Layla's birthday and for some reason this year was very hard, probably because they would have been 14 this year starting High School, growing up too fast!
I didn't have the energy to do much, so we didn't, we just cried most of the day!well the whole week, it's always hard for me.
Happy Birthday my Angel's!!!!
I love you always!
I didn't have the energy to do much, so we didn't, we just cried most of the day!well the whole week, it's always hard for me.
Happy Birthday my Angel's!!!!
I love you always!
August 11, 2009
Sad day
It looks like we have another angel, we didn't even know we were pregnant, we aren't suppose to be, but i guess we were. I thought I wouldn't be sad but have been crying all day now, my heart just hurts.
July 19, 2009
Happy Birthday!
My sweet angel Kurtis would be 18 today, strange how it's been so long yet still hurt so much. I think the hardest part is all the plans you make and never get to do.
Happy Birthday my angel, Mommy, Daddy and sisters and brothers love you so much! you are the best big brother ever!!!
Happy Birthday my angel, Mommy, Daddy and sisters and brothers love you so much! you are the best big brother ever!!!
March 28, 2009
Missing my Angels
With the new little one coming, I've been really missing my Angels, this last week........not much different from most weeks but just a little more, I miss their faces and sweetness, I miss all the things I don't get to do with them, I miss the cuddles and kisses, I miss them.
It's so weird how our family and most friends, have forgotten our sorrow and moved on, they think we have too, but we're really good fakers, lol We have become good at hiding the pain, to get through the days. Mike rarely has ever talked about Mina or Bree, but the other day we were alone and he wept in my arms, opening up to me about how hard it is. All I could say is "I know".
The only thing that helps is knowing they are ours and We will have them back someday, Mike and I are both very proud to be parents of 5 perfect children in Heaven and the 5 mostly perfect ones here!
It's so weird how our family and most friends, have forgotten our sorrow and moved on, they think we have too, but we're really good fakers, lol We have become good at hiding the pain, to get through the days. Mike rarely has ever talked about Mina or Bree, but the other day we were alone and he wept in my arms, opening up to me about how hard it is. All I could say is "I know".
The only thing that helps is knowing they are ours and We will have them back someday, Mike and I are both very proud to be parents of 5 perfect children in Heaven and the 5 mostly perfect ones here!
August 19, 2008
August 25,1995
Layla Beth and Shannon Grace were born on Aug. 25, 1995, at 26 weeks. They we're the most beautifl girls I have ever seen, so perfect and small. Layla Beth was 1lb 5oz and 12 inches long, ShannonGrace was 1lb 3oz and 11 1/2 inches
It was some time in March that I found out I was having a Baby and boy did my life change, when I told my boyfriend at the time he freaked out and told me to get an abortion, so to make a long story short here, I told him, where he could go...... anyway I was so happy I just couldn't believe it, I was 23 and thought I knew everything. I went to my first ob appt, not sure what the date was but it was a friday, (funny how it never occured to me at the time to keep track of stuff) and I had the weekend off from work, so anyway he's checking things out, your standard stuff, but measures my belly and says "are you sure about you missed period, because I think your much farther along then your telling me", "ummm yep I'm sure", so he says "come on we'll do an ultrasound", yippie I get to see the baby, "oh that why there's two". " huh, what?" did he say two? no no way we don't have twins in my family, so again I said "what did you say?" "oh, there's two","so you'd be due December 21, but we'll probably do a c-section in November"
Oh My gosh two, what do you do with two? I called everyone and told them it was two, it was so exciting, the babies grew and so did my belly, the morning sickness was unbelieaveable, I threw up everything and even stuff i never though of eating, and was horrably sick, but it was so worth it.
Aug.22, I had a ob appt and my doctor was very concerned because I had lost 5 more pounds so he did some blood work to make sure I was OK, I was just really sick. we talked about me going on bed rest because the babies we're so big, so at my next appt in 2 weeks he was going to have me stay home for the rest of the pregnancy, but we never made it to the next two weeks.
Aug. 24, I was working and all day my back was hurting but, no surprise I looked like I ate a watermelon farm, and I kept felling like I had to pee, every 15 seconds, I swear. I did call the Dr. and he said it was just the weight of the babies, and not to worry, and if I need to come in tomorrow and he'll put me off work sooner. so I left work and wen home took a bath and went to sleep, but my back hurt so bad, I got up and went to E.R, they took me straight to L.D.R. they hooked me up to all sorts of machines and determined I was in labor it is now Aug. 25,1995 and my water broke and my girls we're coming weather I wanted them to or not. My doctor tried everything to stop the labor, but nothing was working, so I got a shot of steroids to help the babies, after a very short time, I started bleeding and the Dr. told me that if I wanted to save the babies they had to do a c-section now! so I of course agreed, and things happened so fast, I didn't know what was going on, I was so scared and having a hard time breathing the only thing I remember was one of my babies crying such a tiny little noise, and my mom being pushed out of the room and then nothing, some how my lungs had stopped working and I had to be put on a ventilator for a few hours while my babies we're fighting for their lives. after I finally work up hours later the girls we're stable enough to transport to Children Hospital of Orange County, I did for a brief moment get to see them but not touch them.
The next day I wanted so badly to go see them the nurse helped me to get up and I refused the pain meds so I could leave but, I was still not breathing well enough and my Dr. wouldn't let me go, so I spent the day on the phone with the babies nurses and Dr. trying to make everything OK.
Aug 27 the day my world stopped, I finally told my Dr. to let me go or I was leaving without his approval, I needed to see my girls, so he gave me a shoot of morphine and let me go, it was a 2 hour drive to the other hospital and my babies were in trouble and needed me, by the time I got there, they we're doing so badly, they were breathing well and all but they had bleeding in their brain I think it was grade, 4, again one of those things I can't remember, all I know is Layla was so much worse then her sister and was never going to open her eyes and Shannon would be have been brain dead if we kept her on life support, but after talking with the Doctors and praying I did the HARDEST thing I will ever have to do, I signed a paper asking for my daughters to be taken off life support, I held them for 6 hour, thye both tried so hard to hang on, Shannon was the first to let go and be with God, Layla took a while longer I kissed her so gently and told her it was ok to go that momma would be fine, I died with them that day, only I'm not good enough to go with them just yet. But I did get 6 hours with them I changed them and took pictures and kissed and loved them, I loved them before they were on this Earth and will Love them for all Eternity.
They are buried together in a blanket I made for them in matching dresses, in the Cemetery where my grandparents are, I had them put together because I did want them to be alone they always had each other so I just kept it that way.
Shannon always was my fighter always kicking me and her sister and anyone who dared to bug her and Layla was calm but so very strong, 13 years now and I still hurt so much. I miss my girls, the joy I had the time I got with them, the pain and sorrow is still raw not as intense most of the time and I do find peace for time to time, either that or I'm a really good Liar.
It was some time in March that I found out I was having a Baby and boy did my life change, when I told my boyfriend at the time he freaked out and told me to get an abortion, so to make a long story short here, I told him, where he could go...... anyway I was so happy I just couldn't believe it, I was 23 and thought I knew everything. I went to my first ob appt, not sure what the date was but it was a friday, (funny how it never occured to me at the time to keep track of stuff) and I had the weekend off from work, so anyway he's checking things out, your standard stuff, but measures my belly and says "are you sure about you missed period, because I think your much farther along then your telling me", "ummm yep I'm sure", so he says "come on we'll do an ultrasound", yippie I get to see the baby, "oh that why there's two". " huh, what?" did he say two? no no way we don't have twins in my family, so again I said "what did you say?" "oh, there's two","so you'd be due December 21, but we'll probably do a c-section in November"
Oh My gosh two, what do you do with two? I called everyone and told them it was two, it was so exciting, the babies grew and so did my belly, the morning sickness was unbelieaveable, I threw up everything and even stuff i never though of eating, and was horrably sick, but it was so worth it.
Aug.22, I had a ob appt and my doctor was very concerned because I had lost 5 more pounds so he did some blood work to make sure I was OK, I was just really sick. we talked about me going on bed rest because the babies we're so big, so at my next appt in 2 weeks he was going to have me stay home for the rest of the pregnancy, but we never made it to the next two weeks.
Aug. 24, I was working and all day my back was hurting but, no surprise I looked like I ate a watermelon farm, and I kept felling like I had to pee, every 15 seconds, I swear. I did call the Dr. and he said it was just the weight of the babies, and not to worry, and if I need to come in tomorrow and he'll put me off work sooner. so I left work and wen home took a bath and went to sleep, but my back hurt so bad, I got up and went to E.R, they took me straight to L.D.R. they hooked me up to all sorts of machines and determined I was in labor it is now Aug. 25,1995 and my water broke and my girls we're coming weather I wanted them to or not. My doctor tried everything to stop the labor, but nothing was working, so I got a shot of steroids to help the babies, after a very short time, I started bleeding and the Dr. told me that if I wanted to save the babies they had to do a c-section now! so I of course agreed, and things happened so fast, I didn't know what was going on, I was so scared and having a hard time breathing the only thing I remember was one of my babies crying such a tiny little noise, and my mom being pushed out of the room and then nothing, some how my lungs had stopped working and I had to be put on a ventilator for a few hours while my babies we're fighting for their lives. after I finally work up hours later the girls we're stable enough to transport to Children Hospital of Orange County, I did for a brief moment get to see them but not touch them.
The next day I wanted so badly to go see them the nurse helped me to get up and I refused the pain meds so I could leave but, I was still not breathing well enough and my Dr. wouldn't let me go, so I spent the day on the phone with the babies nurses and Dr. trying to make everything OK.
Aug 27 the day my world stopped, I finally told my Dr. to let me go or I was leaving without his approval, I needed to see my girls, so he gave me a shoot of morphine and let me go, it was a 2 hour drive to the other hospital and my babies were in trouble and needed me, by the time I got there, they we're doing so badly, they were breathing well and all but they had bleeding in their brain I think it was grade, 4, again one of those things I can't remember, all I know is Layla was so much worse then her sister and was never going to open her eyes and Shannon would be have been brain dead if we kept her on life support, but after talking with the Doctors and praying I did the HARDEST thing I will ever have to do, I signed a paper asking for my daughters to be taken off life support, I held them for 6 hour, thye both tried so hard to hang on, Shannon was the first to let go and be with God, Layla took a while longer I kissed her so gently and told her it was ok to go that momma would be fine, I died with them that day, only I'm not good enough to go with them just yet. But I did get 6 hours with them I changed them and took pictures and kissed and loved them, I loved them before they were on this Earth and will Love them for all Eternity.
They are buried together in a blanket I made for them in matching dresses, in the Cemetery where my grandparents are, I had them put together because I did want them to be alone they always had each other so I just kept it that way.
Shannon always was my fighter always kicking me and her sister and anyone who dared to bug her and Layla was calm but so very strong, 13 years now and I still hurt so much. I miss my girls, the joy I had the time I got with them, the pain and sorrow is still raw not as intense most of the time and I do find peace for time to time, either that or I'm a really good Liar.
What if?
I've been sitting her wondering "if". I want my babies back so badly! I want the pain to stop! I want "what if" never to be a thought in my head again.
If the twins were here we would be planning a party it's almost their Birthday, if they could see their sisters and brothers how much they would love them, if I could hold their hands and kiss them again my heart might not hurt so, much. If Mina was here our family would be complete, Merrick would be the big brother he is suppose to be, if tiny Jon-Brie was here her daddy's joy would be beyond words, and Mommy would never have to cry, and if Kurtis, was here what a great biggest brother he would to, all of the others. Sassy would be so jealous of her twin sisters, and Chy would have sisters her age to do things with and to fight with, to "crush on" boys with. Bevie would have her tiny baby sisters to love and spoil just like Bear,
there would be a busy house full, and I would never have time to just sit and be sad, there would be nothing to be sad about.
If is a crappy thing to have to sit and think about, if I had known sooner what would I have done?
If the twins were here we would be planning a party it's almost their Birthday, if they could see their sisters and brothers how much they would love them, if I could hold their hands and kiss them again my heart might not hurt so, much. If Mina was here our family would be complete, Merrick would be the big brother he is suppose to be, if tiny Jon-Brie was here her daddy's joy would be beyond words, and Mommy would never have to cry, and if Kurtis, was here what a great biggest brother he would to, all of the others. Sassy would be so jealous of her twin sisters, and Chy would have sisters her age to do things with and to fight with, to "crush on" boys with. Bevie would have her tiny baby sisters to love and spoil just like Bear,
there would be a busy house full, and I would never have time to just sit and be sad, there would be nothing to be sad about.
If is a crappy thing to have to sit and think about, if I had known sooner what would I have done?
July 22, 2008
Ever Upward
OK, so it's a weird title, but I'm working on being positive.
Today we took a home pregnancy test..... BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!!
no luck this time but we are still going to try and try, until my eggs shrivel up and blow away.....or something like that.
We cried a few tears and then, we (Mike and I) we're OK, I guess, however I was thinking about our little little one in May and wondered, just a bit why her,( mike says the baby is a her), why was she like her big brother and sisters chosen to return to heaven so soon, Of course if I knew the answer to this my heart might not hurt so badly, I know some day I will have them all again and my heart will be over joyed. Until then, I get to feel like this.
I'd like everyone to know our littlest angel too, Jon-Brie Marie Reamer baby May 2, 2008. Daddy's named you the most beautiful name he could think of and after praying he said your name for the first time, our tiniest love, kisses until we see you again.
mommy and daddy and all your sisters and brother
Today we took a home pregnancy test..... BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!!
no luck this time but we are still going to try and try, until my eggs shrivel up and blow away.....or something like that.
We cried a few tears and then, we (Mike and I) we're OK, I guess, however I was thinking about our little little one in May and wondered, just a bit why her,( mike says the baby is a her), why was she like her big brother and sisters chosen to return to heaven so soon, Of course if I knew the answer to this my heart might not hurt so badly, I know some day I will have them all again and my heart will be over joyed. Until then, I get to feel like this.
I'd like everyone to know our littlest angel too, Jon-Brie Marie Reamer baby May 2, 2008. Daddy's named you the most beautiful name he could think of and after praying he said your name for the first time, our tiniest love, kisses until we see you again.
mommy and daddy and all your sisters and brother
July 15, 2008
My very first Angel
Kurtis Ryan
July 19, 1991 Kurtis Ryan became an Angel. I was spotting and went to the Hospital scared out of my mind, he was my first pregnancy, looking back I can't believe how young and stupid I was. I didn't know about miscarriages or anything really I thought, you get pregnant and have a baby and are happy I never knew this could happen.
So when the spotting started , I went to the E.R. of course they just took their time with everything,, but finally did an ultra sound but didn't show me anything. The Dr. came in and and said he thought I had a ectopic pregnancy, and need emergency surgery, or I would die, So I agreed crying the whole time, my family didn't know how to help, but I think they tried.
When I woke up from the surgery they said good news, the baby is fine he's still hanging on, that he wasn't ectopic, but my Fallopian tubes we're twisted and one was filled with infection, and about to rupture, but they fixed it, and I should be fine now.
Later that day I started to cramp BAD, freaking out I called the nurse and the DR. but sadly it was too late my son was no longer alive, the surgery and the stress was too much for his fragile little body, and that was when Kurtis Ryan became my first Angel.
I miss him so much, I have never stop thinking of him, but time has healed my heart, I'll always be his mommy. Sadly it wasn't until, I lost Mina that my mom asked me if I had ever named "the baby" 17 years I waited to share him, my Kurtis Ryan
July 19, 1991 Kurtis Ryan became an Angel. I was spotting and went to the Hospital scared out of my mind, he was my first pregnancy, looking back I can't believe how young and stupid I was. I didn't know about miscarriages or anything really I thought, you get pregnant and have a baby and are happy I never knew this could happen.
So when the spotting started , I went to the E.R. of course they just took their time with everything,, but finally did an ultra sound but didn't show me anything. The Dr. came in and and said he thought I had a ectopic pregnancy, and need emergency surgery, or I would die, So I agreed crying the whole time, my family didn't know how to help, but I think they tried.
When I woke up from the surgery they said good news, the baby is fine he's still hanging on, that he wasn't ectopic, but my Fallopian tubes we're twisted and one was filled with infection, and about to rupture, but they fixed it, and I should be fine now.
Later that day I started to cramp BAD, freaking out I called the nurse and the DR. but sadly it was too late my son was no longer alive, the surgery and the stress was too much for his fragile little body, and that was when Kurtis Ryan became my first Angel.
I miss him so much, I have never stop thinking of him, but time has healed my heart, I'll always be his mommy. Sadly it wasn't until, I lost Mina that my mom asked me if I had ever named "the baby" 17 years I waited to share him, my Kurtis Ryan
Love Concercrated by God
Mina Elizabeth
We found out we we're Pregnant early in October, we told each other we we're not going to get over excited, or tell anyone for a while, but the excitement was exploding from us and we went crazy, told everyone and anyone who would listen that our little bundle was on her way, oh we waited so long for her to come. We did all the Doctor apt.s starting at 8 weeks, I had to get my cervix sewn shut at 13 weeks but things we're going well, I was sick and very tired but I just knew it would all be worth it when I could see her happy face.
Dec 28, 2008 I had an ultra sound, Mike was actually working so I went alone, he waited by the phone for me to call and let him know all was well, Mina was growing so fast and wiggly as ever, 18 weeks and amazing, I had no idea this was going to be the last time I would see her alive.
January 4, 2008 I went in for my P17 shot to help prevent early labor, they didn't check her heart beat but I swear I could feel her moving, just very faint bubbles, that kind of made me queasy, but it was so sweet to feel her in my tummy, I prayed every night for Heavenly Father to keep Mina safe, we also got news that all the genetic test came back OK but that I would have to go for some more testing in about 2 weeks, I never got to go to that apt. We had Blissful week not knowing anything was going to go wrong, Mike starts talking to the baby, I feel her move more often, the girls kiss her goodnight when they go to bed she is such a HUGE part of us all now.
January 7, 2008 we go to E.R I have the worst headache ever I thought maybe my blood pressure is high or somethings wrong, and I feel weak, but t the E.R. the nurse was rude to me saying there was nothing they could do fro me and she didn't know why I would even come there, of course I got mad, but asked if they could just check the baby and my b/p. She was still being rude and told me yes but we'd have to wait like an hour or more.....there was no other patients there at all, so I figured they just wanted to be crappy to me so we left.....Mike wanted me to go to the the other Hosp. where we would deliver Mina, but it was so far and getting late, and I had a DR. apt in a few days.....so , no I wait.
January 10,2008 20 week our Regularly O.B. apt, it was about 8:30 in the morning we we're to have an ultrasound to check my cervix, and check Mina as well, we we're joking with the tech. about if Mina was a boy or girl, we knew she was a girl from the start, the tech, said " I'm sorry" I thought she was going to tell us we we're having a boy , but she said I'm not finding a heartbeat, today" "WHAT!!!?? Mike what is she talking about, what the Hell is going on? Mike screams "ARE YOU JOKING? IS THIS A JOKE? THIS ISN'T FUNNY" she says to hold on I'll get the doctor maybe I'm wrong we'll have her look. Mike started screaming and sobbing "WHY, MY BABY'S GONE,WHY, WHAT THE F**K, WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS" The Doctor came in about 20 mins. later we are, grasping at hope, that the tech is wrong, but the Doctor looks and finds no heartbeat either.
I'm sobbing Mike is screaming, I think I actually hear his heart break, I have never seen my husband, cry let alone fall apart like that. We are sent to the Hospital for a second opinion, as if that is going to change anything. On our way we call our Bishop, and everyone we can think of, to HELP! I get a blessing before they do another ultrasound, but I knew, I think I knew a few days earlier, when my head started hurting so bad that something was wrong, we get through the third ultrasound , I don't remember any of it, I was in shock, Mike, still was sobbing, the tech there was cold and horrible, she says "well you knew before you came here, there's no heartbeat" well no crap lady, but we're her parents and hope was all we have so shut up and let me go but no they want to do measurements.
We're sent back to our DR. office, I can't go in, Mike tells the nurse we're there and they bring me in a back door I can't bear the other happy PG women right now. We're taken to a far Back room, and wait, not long, but long enough, Dr. comes in and give us our options, we can do a D&E or deliver, deliver of course, OK so then we can do it Friday or wait for her to come on her own, we don't have to answer now , I have to get my stitch removed in the morning and then we can figure it all out, go home and rest.
On the way home we stop and get the girls we say nothing until we have everyone at home, Daddy can't do it, he can't break their hearts, so I do it, I tell them baby sissy, has died. My girls cry for hours, we take everyone to our room and snuggle they kiss baby sissy in my belly, we all cry for hours. despair takes over and I sleep alone with my angel for the last time, begging Heavenly Father for a Miracle, he comes and comforts me, I feel him wrap around me like a warm hug taking away my pain briefly. Bear is too young to know whats going on still, he will know of her someday, he will always be her big brother.
January 11, 2008 our world falls apart, we got the Dr. she is so kind we are trying to hang on and be strong, We choose to deliver today, I can't do this anymore, she takes out my stitch and sends me to LDR, they stupidly think I'm someone else, I break down, and weep, Mike was on the phone out side, he can't handle this, but I need him, we go to a room, 301, off by it's self aloe, they place a card on our door it has a purple leaf with a tear on it to let everyone know our baby won't be born, just delivered. We try to prepare, we want to be alone, the nurses are so kind, but they have to ask so many questions, the worst was where are you going to send her body, do you have a funeral home? WHAT? I can't believe we have to do this, aren't you suppose to be born and we have a shower, not a funeral. This is way too much.... Dr. gives my some meds to thin out my cervix which was already doing it on it's own, my body has betrayed my heart, can't I just go home? We have visitors, and make funeral arrangements, I will not, bury Mina in Missouri, I will not leave you in this awful place, I want to take you home to Calif.. Crap Mina doesn't have a dress, we need a dress and her teddy we make calls, our very good friend brings the most beautiful, dress ever and blanket, Grandpa brings her teddy and cards from sisters and brother, a family Portrait, Shannon and Layla's blanket, just stuff so she knows we love her oh so much. I'm not sure what time it was but, 6 hours after they started the meds. it was time, it took a lot of pushing to get her out, it hurt so bad so they,gave me morphine, I wish they wouldn't have but, whatever. Here she was, they ask if we want to see you, of course Mike was right there, wanting to hold Mina so bad. Oh my, she is so tiny, Mike is sobbing,"she is so beautiful, she's my wittle ittle" "I know baby I know" he held her while they finished with me, the rest of the delivery went well, I had to beg, Mike to let, me hold her he didn't want to give her up. My angel is now in my hands, she is amazing, oh my gosh she looks like Sassy and Bear, squished together, daddy says she looks like me.....no she's too beautiful to look like me. We held her for hours and cried, the nurse came in and took her to take pics, with her dress and other stuff.. Mike left for a short time to get his sister, she came from California to help. No one can help, my baby is dead and no one can change it. I was so drugged the first night time was a blur. We didn't share her with anyone, I regret it now, sisters should have been able to say goodbye but I was trying to protect them. Mike leaves for the night, it was awful being alone, but I never told him, he didn't sleep either, he came back first thing in the morning, my Dad stopped by we did share her pic with him, and a few other people.
I went home as soon as I could, without Mina I saw no reason to be there, I just wanted to die, my pain is still overwhelming. the first week was hard, Mike and I started to argue,we had never done that before, I wanted a funeral he didn't, I needed to talk he can't, I thought it was going to break us apart for a while, but we have worked through it, he still can't talk about Mina and I can't stop.
July 14, 2008 The pain is still raw but a bit better the last six months have been hard, I'm not totally here all the time and think I might need anti -depressants. We also have gone through some other major family things that would by themselves been fine but compiled with my grief are just so hard. I know time is the only thing that will help but in time.
We found out we we're Pregnant early in October, we told each other we we're not going to get over excited, or tell anyone for a while, but the excitement was exploding from us and we went crazy, told everyone and anyone who would listen that our little bundle was on her way, oh we waited so long for her to come. We did all the Doctor apt.s starting at 8 weeks, I had to get my cervix sewn shut at 13 weeks but things we're going well, I was sick and very tired but I just knew it would all be worth it when I could see her happy face.
Dec 28, 2008 I had an ultra sound, Mike was actually working so I went alone, he waited by the phone for me to call and let him know all was well, Mina was growing so fast and wiggly as ever, 18 weeks and amazing, I had no idea this was going to be the last time I would see her alive.
January 4, 2008 I went in for my P17 shot to help prevent early labor, they didn't check her heart beat but I swear I could feel her moving, just very faint bubbles, that kind of made me queasy, but it was so sweet to feel her in my tummy, I prayed every night for Heavenly Father to keep Mina safe, we also got news that all the genetic test came back OK but that I would have to go for some more testing in about 2 weeks, I never got to go to that apt. We had Blissful week not knowing anything was going to go wrong, Mike starts talking to the baby, I feel her move more often, the girls kiss her goodnight when they go to bed she is such a HUGE part of us all now.
January 7, 2008 we go to E.R I have the worst headache ever I thought maybe my blood pressure is high or somethings wrong, and I feel weak, but t the E.R. the nurse was rude to me saying there was nothing they could do fro me and she didn't know why I would even come there, of course I got mad, but asked if they could just check the baby and my b/p. She was still being rude and told me yes but we'd have to wait like an hour or more.....there was no other patients there at all, so I figured they just wanted to be crappy to me so we left.....Mike wanted me to go to the the other Hosp. where we would deliver Mina, but it was so far and getting late, and I had a DR. apt in a few days.....so , no I wait.
January 10,2008 20 week our Regularly O.B. apt, it was about 8:30 in the morning we we're to have an ultrasound to check my cervix, and check Mina as well, we we're joking with the tech. about if Mina was a boy or girl, we knew she was a girl from the start, the tech, said " I'm sorry" I thought she was going to tell us we we're having a boy , but she said I'm not finding a heartbeat, today" "WHAT!!!?? Mike what is she talking about, what the Hell is going on? Mike screams "ARE YOU JOKING? IS THIS A JOKE? THIS ISN'T FUNNY" she says to hold on I'll get the doctor maybe I'm wrong we'll have her look. Mike started screaming and sobbing "WHY, MY BABY'S GONE,WHY, WHAT THE F**K, WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS" The Doctor came in about 20 mins. later we are, grasping at hope, that the tech is wrong, but the Doctor looks and finds no heartbeat either.
I'm sobbing Mike is screaming, I think I actually hear his heart break, I have never seen my husband, cry let alone fall apart like that. We are sent to the Hospital for a second opinion, as if that is going to change anything. On our way we call our Bishop, and everyone we can think of, to HELP! I get a blessing before they do another ultrasound, but I knew, I think I knew a few days earlier, when my head started hurting so bad that something was wrong, we get through the third ultrasound , I don't remember any of it, I was in shock, Mike, still was sobbing, the tech there was cold and horrible, she says "well you knew before you came here, there's no heartbeat" well no crap lady, but we're her parents and hope was all we have so shut up and let me go but no they want to do measurements.
We're sent back to our DR. office, I can't go in, Mike tells the nurse we're there and they bring me in a back door I can't bear the other happy PG women right now. We're taken to a far Back room, and wait, not long, but long enough, Dr. comes in and give us our options, we can do a D&E or deliver, deliver of course, OK so then we can do it Friday or wait for her to come on her own, we don't have to answer now , I have to get my stitch removed in the morning and then we can figure it all out, go home and rest.
On the way home we stop and get the girls we say nothing until we have everyone at home, Daddy can't do it, he can't break their hearts, so I do it, I tell them baby sissy, has died. My girls cry for hours, we take everyone to our room and snuggle they kiss baby sissy in my belly, we all cry for hours. despair takes over and I sleep alone with my angel for the last time, begging Heavenly Father for a Miracle, he comes and comforts me, I feel him wrap around me like a warm hug taking away my pain briefly. Bear is too young to know whats going on still, he will know of her someday, he will always be her big brother.
January 11, 2008 our world falls apart, we got the Dr. she is so kind we are trying to hang on and be strong, We choose to deliver today, I can't do this anymore, she takes out my stitch and sends me to LDR, they stupidly think I'm someone else, I break down, and weep, Mike was on the phone out side, he can't handle this, but I need him, we go to a room, 301, off by it's self aloe, they place a card on our door it has a purple leaf with a tear on it to let everyone know our baby won't be born, just delivered. We try to prepare, we want to be alone, the nurses are so kind, but they have to ask so many questions, the worst was where are you going to send her body, do you have a funeral home? WHAT? I can't believe we have to do this, aren't you suppose to be born and we have a shower, not a funeral. This is way too much.... Dr. gives my some meds to thin out my cervix which was already doing it on it's own, my body has betrayed my heart, can't I just go home? We have visitors, and make funeral arrangements, I will not, bury Mina in Missouri, I will not leave you in this awful place, I want to take you home to Calif.. Crap Mina doesn't have a dress, we need a dress and her teddy we make calls, our very good friend brings the most beautiful, dress ever and blanket, Grandpa brings her teddy and cards from sisters and brother, a family Portrait, Shannon and Layla's blanket, just stuff so she knows we love her oh so much. I'm not sure what time it was but, 6 hours after they started the meds. it was time, it took a lot of pushing to get her out, it hurt so bad so they,gave me morphine, I wish they wouldn't have but, whatever. Here she was, they ask if we want to see you, of course Mike was right there, wanting to hold Mina so bad. Oh my, she is so tiny, Mike is sobbing,"she is so beautiful, she's my wittle ittle" "I know baby I know" he held her while they finished with me, the rest of the delivery went well, I had to beg, Mike to let, me hold her he didn't want to give her up. My angel is now in my hands, she is amazing, oh my gosh she looks like Sassy and Bear, squished together, daddy says she looks like me.....no she's too beautiful to look like me. We held her for hours and cried, the nurse came in and took her to take pics, with her dress and other stuff.. Mike left for a short time to get his sister, she came from California to help. No one can help, my baby is dead and no one can change it. I was so drugged the first night time was a blur. We didn't share her with anyone, I regret it now, sisters should have been able to say goodbye but I was trying to protect them. Mike leaves for the night, it was awful being alone, but I never told him, he didn't sleep either, he came back first thing in the morning, my Dad stopped by we did share her pic with him, and a few other people.
I went home as soon as I could, without Mina I saw no reason to be there, I just wanted to die, my pain is still overwhelming. the first week was hard, Mike and I started to argue,we had never done that before, I wanted a funeral he didn't, I needed to talk he can't, I thought it was going to break us apart for a while, but we have worked through it, he still can't talk about Mina and I can't stop.
July 14, 2008 The pain is still raw but a bit better the last six months have been hard, I'm not totally here all the time and think I might need anti -depressants. We also have gone through some other major family things that would by themselves been fine but compiled with my grief are just so hard. I know time is the only thing that will help but in time.
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