October 03, 2012
A Little Something from Cheyenne
My Favorite Song...
My favorite song is called ' When the Rain comes' by Third Day. I first found it while going through some music in my Mothers computer when I came across the band, and it caught my attention because I had heard about the band but didn't really know any of their songs. So, being as curious as a cat, I decided to give it try and listen to some of the songs on the album.
The third song really struck a note with me. It starts out with the sound of a tambourine being gently hit and shaken a bit, then a guitar starts up in a similar beat that is very cohesive with the tambourine. Then the singer strikes up. As I listen to the words I hear the meaning as well. To others it might mean comforting someone with a great lost hanging heavy in their heart, but to me its different. It reminded me of all the hard ships we went through and everything we've had to endure and put up with over the years. Yet, at the same time, it really reminds me of how strong my family really is, and that no matter what, we are always there for each other.
Every time i hear the song I cant help but tear up a little because it makes me think of all the things that I have blamed on my self, and all the times that I've shut people out of myself because I always thought it wasn't good to let people be there for me, and I am still kind of that way now, but not as bad. After listening to that song, something clicked in my head, something made me realize just what me and my family have done for one another. What we've been doing our whole lives. Comforting and supporting each other.
One example is when my dad called me out of the blue and told me his kidneys have failed, and that he might not have more than a few years left in him. I couldn't speak, I couldn't cry, I could barley breath. All I needed was some help to understand it all. I was only about twelve at the time, and I was scared that I would lose him. I was scared that everything else would start falling apart. Even though I was suddenly crying hysterically, my mom and sisters and brother and dad were all there for me. My mom told me everything would be ok and I believed her for the sake of my dad's well being.
Another example is when we lost my baby sister before she was born. That was the most devastating day of my life, but instead of crying for just my sister I cried for the whole family and what could never be, I stayed with everyone and kept strong for my family.we were all hurting, but we stayed rooted through that storm and supported each other.
My family is strong and so am I. We have been through so much and still we go on with life, yes with scars and sometimes past weariness dragging at our heals, but we do so with strength and courage. We go through life knowing if we fall, we can get back up and lean on one another until we can stand on our own two feet. Even at a young age I always knew if momma's crying or hurting, I have to be strong for her. If my sisters were having a bad day, try to fix it. If my brothers aren't having such a good time with something help and do what ever it takes to make them happy. It's always been that way in my family, since the beginning and as long as I could remember. That's what i know and that's what i love, and the song 'When the rain Comes' reminds me of every time I hear it.
So that is why the song 'When the rain Comes' is my favorite song and why it means so much to me. Because it reminds me that my family is stronger that anything in the world, and that we've been to hell and back, but we will always be there for each other. No matter what.
Thank You.Cheyenne
November 25, 2011
Thankful
I am so very Thankful for all the little things, every day, cuddling my kids on the couch, making dinner, knowing that they are fed, warm and safe. Checking on them as they sleep, seeing their precious, little faces, and kissing them, so they know mommy is right there. Making room in my bed for who ever needs extra mommy love, after a bad dream in the middle of the night.
For my older girls who love all their Angel siblings, and will always talk about them, to make me smile. For Cheyenne who wants to make sure the wold never forgets that her mommy has 5 other babies, For Beverly who's in College to become a PA, so she can help take care of people, so no one ever has to be sad because they lost someone. For Savannah, because she always knows when I need an extra hug, For Merrick, I know he will always take care me. For Lucien, he has healed my heart, and our whole family.
and, for my 5 Angels, they made me who I am, taught me unconditional love, made me a mommy, gave me the greatest joy, and strengthened my faith. They have taught me so very much about Heavenly Fathers Love and Grace. I know when I fall apart that they are all here with me giving me the courage and strength to go on, and never give up.
For my older girls who love all their Angel siblings, and will always talk about them, to make me smile. For Cheyenne who wants to make sure the wold never forgets that her mommy has 5 other babies, For Beverly who's in College to become a PA, so she can help take care of people, so no one ever has to be sad because they lost someone. For Savannah, because she always knows when I need an extra hug, For Merrick, I know he will always take care me. For Lucien, he has healed my heart, and our whole family.
and, for my 5 Angels, they made me who I am, taught me unconditional love, made me a mommy, gave me the greatest joy, and strengthened my faith. They have taught me so very much about Heavenly Fathers Love and Grace. I know when I fall apart that they are all here with me giving me the courage and strength to go on, and never give up.
September 07, 2011
Love
Most people are kind after you lose a baby, but then expect you to be over it as though your baby, were an object that was miss placed and you can easily get another one. A baby no matter how small is more, so much more, a baby is a Gift , a Treasure, a Person, a Hope ,a Dream, a Wish, Love.
September 02, 2011
another Birthday post?
it was just Shannon and Layla's 16 th Birthday and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't write about it, not because I didn't want to celebrate their life but because it's also their 16 th year away from me.
I had a dream that there was a party for them in Heaven, with balloons, flowers and an HUGE cake. My grandparents were there, so were Kurtis and Mina and lots of other sweet angels. I guess it should have been a happy dream but when I woke up I was sobbing. The pain and anger and sorrow hit me again, like a ton of bricks. I make up reason in my head as to why they had to go, but the truth is there is no valid reason why my sweet girls are not with me. I even act like I'm "over" it. I found myself was annoyed when I got an invitation to an angelversary event for a baby who had been gone 26 years. I thought how could this mom not be over it? I think I was annoyed because I want some sort of hope that, the pain goes away, or gets easier. I of all people know it doesn't, at best it's not as sharp.
I wish I could be at peace with my Angel's being gone, I wish I had some comfort, but mostly I wish they were all here with me.
HAPPY 16 th BIRTHDAY
LAYLA BETH AND SHANNON GRACE
mommy love's you with all of her heart...
I had a dream that there was a party for them in Heaven, with balloons, flowers and an HUGE cake. My grandparents were there, so were Kurtis and Mina and lots of other sweet angels. I guess it should have been a happy dream but when I woke up I was sobbing. The pain and anger and sorrow hit me again, like a ton of bricks. I make up reason in my head as to why they had to go, but the truth is there is no valid reason why my sweet girls are not with me. I even act like I'm "over" it. I found myself was annoyed when I got an invitation to an angelversary event for a baby who had been gone 26 years. I thought how could this mom not be over it? I think I was annoyed because I want some sort of hope that, the pain goes away, or gets easier. I of all people know it doesn't, at best it's not as sharp.
I wish I could be at peace with my Angel's being gone, I wish I had some comfort, but mostly I wish they were all here with me.
HAPPY 16 th BIRTHDAY
LAYLA BETH AND SHANNON GRACE
mommy love's you with all of her heart...
August 05, 2011
School Started
My kiddo's started School Wednesday, Chy is very excited about her classes,German, Art and Astronomy, at first she thought it said astrology, and so of course we were like...WHAT???? she's so silly. Sassy is in 4th grade now...wooot!!! and my sweet little Bear started kindergarten, I'm so happy and sad! mister Lu is going to pre School, gosh that baby is smart, I think he'll be reading before long, He can count to 20 in 3 languages, knows all his colors and shapes, it sure helps having older siblings!
My camera broke so no pics to post, my phone takes the worst pics!!!
My camera broke so no pics to post, my phone takes the worst pics!!!
July 18, 2011
20 years ago
20 years ago, a young lady, learned that her life would be changed for ever, she didn't get to say "hello" or "goodbye", she was told not to cry, because there would be others, she was told that these things happen for a reason, and to everyone.
20 years later she knows, her life is better because of the trials, that saying "hello" will happen and she will never have to say "goodbye". She can cry whenever she wants to, and as much as she wants to. No matter how many others there are there will never be another like you. Someday the reason" why" won't matter, and it doesn't happen to just anyone, only to the most special, Mommy's. Not everyone is strong enough to be an Angel Mommy.
18 weeks was not nearly long enough, but I'm so glad I had those few weeks, without you I wouldn't be me, you taught me unconditional love, faith, and hope.
Happy Birthday, my Darling Son, some day I will be with you all again, and I WILL NEVER say goodbye.
Kurtis Ryan 7-19-1991 lost/taken/stolen at 18 weeks to save my life.
What I wouldn't give to have you here.
20 years later she knows, her life is better because of the trials, that saying "hello" will happen and she will never have to say "goodbye". She can cry whenever she wants to, and as much as she wants to. No matter how many others there are there will never be another like you. Someday the reason" why" won't matter, and it doesn't happen to just anyone, only to the most special, Mommy's. Not everyone is strong enough to be an Angel Mommy.
18 weeks was not nearly long enough, but I'm so glad I had those few weeks, without you I wouldn't be me, you taught me unconditional love, faith, and hope.
Happy Birthday, my Darling Son, some day I will be with you all again, and I WILL NEVER say goodbye.
Kurtis Ryan 7-19-1991 lost/taken/stolen at 18 weeks to save my life.
What I wouldn't give to have you here.
April 09, 2011
I can't do 3 years
Today is one of the days that I just can't do...I want to hide in bed all day and for all this to have been a really bad dream! When Lu was sick this last week, and the Dr.'s couldn't help him I got so scared....I can never go through this again!!!! I'm sure that right now the flash backs are because he was so sick, I just am not this strong, my limit had been tapped. Mina I miss you so much.....
January 11, 2011
A letter from Savannah
Dear baby sister,
from the time mommy said that we were going to have a baby sister I was so, so happy. I was so happy that I was getting ready for you, then I was at school and everybody seemed so,so so, sad. Mommy said you went to Heaven. Every year on your birthday we are all very sad but I will always be happy that your my baby sister.
I love you Happy Birthday!
Big Sister Savannah
from the time mommy said that we were going to have a baby sister I was so, so happy. I was so happy that I was getting ready for you, then I was at school and everybody seemed so,so so, sad. Mommy said you went to Heaven. Every year on your birthday we are all very sad but I will always be happy that your my baby sister.
I love you Happy Birthday!
Big Sister Savannah
Letter to Mina
Dearest Mina,
Today is your Birthday again and it's been three years since I held you. I remember every detail of your sweet face, your eyes just like Savannah's and lips just like Merrick's, your lovely dark hair, there was so much hair already, your sweet spirit that I felt from, the first time I heard your heartbeat. I miss talking to you and getting to know you, I wonder if you still like peach ice cream (weird craving).
I dreamed of you just a few nights before we found out you died, I have always wondered if you were trying to prepare me for what was about to happen, you looked just like you did in my dream. I still dream about you, dancing and playing with your sisters and brother, with Grandma and Papa watching over you, or you holding a little gray kitten, smiling at me from a distance. I hope someday that I can be with you again, I miss you all so much!
I'm doing better now, I can talk about you and share your story without breaking down every time, I can think of the wonderful things about your being here and not just the fact that your gone now. I know you and the my other angels watch over the kids here and keep them safe.
Little love you are a special treasure that I will never give up, having you was one of the greatest gifts I've gotten and I would do it all over a thousand times, just to spend a single second with you, the joy and love you have given our family and the gifts you left behind make it all worth it.
I miss you. I love you! Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet angel.
with all my love,
Mommy
Today is your Birthday again and it's been three years since I held you. I remember every detail of your sweet face, your eyes just like Savannah's and lips just like Merrick's, your lovely dark hair, there was so much hair already, your sweet spirit that I felt from, the first time I heard your heartbeat. I miss talking to you and getting to know you, I wonder if you still like peach ice cream (weird craving).
I dreamed of you just a few nights before we found out you died, I have always wondered if you were trying to prepare me for what was about to happen, you looked just like you did in my dream. I still dream about you, dancing and playing with your sisters and brother, with Grandma and Papa watching over you, or you holding a little gray kitten, smiling at me from a distance. I hope someday that I can be with you again, I miss you all so much!
I'm doing better now, I can talk about you and share your story without breaking down every time, I can think of the wonderful things about your being here and not just the fact that your gone now. I know you and the my other angels watch over the kids here and keep them safe.
Little love you are a special treasure that I will never give up, having you was one of the greatest gifts I've gotten and I would do it all over a thousand times, just to spend a single second with you, the joy and love you have given our family and the gifts you left behind make it all worth it.
I miss you. I love you! Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet angel.
with all my love,
Mommy
December 31, 2010
Good Bye 2010
This year, my family went through some of our hardest times, we struggled and things did not work out they way I would have ever thought. Being a single parent again has been a challenge and has made the kids and I closer then ever.
Lucien has grown so much, talking and learning, he is amazing beyond belief. His smile lights up the room, I know he was sent here to heal my heart, and doing a great job of it!
Merrick has become such a big boy, potty training, and talking so well, he is so tall and handsome, smart as can be, and sweet to his baby brother.
Savannah is just the same, sweet, caring giving and just wonderful! She loves the baby boys, and helps take care of them so much!
Cheyenne has grown into an amazing young lady, she started High School, and went to her first real dance, has her first boyfriend(ugh). She loves here little brother's and sister so much, I'm so proud of her!
Beverly has also grown into a wonderful young lady, she's in nursing school, and doing GREAT!
We had a long and eventful year, part of it good, part of it not so much, but we made it through, and will be stronger because of it.
Happy New Year!
Lucien has grown so much, talking and learning, he is amazing beyond belief. His smile lights up the room, I know he was sent here to heal my heart, and doing a great job of it!
Merrick has become such a big boy, potty training, and talking so well, he is so tall and handsome, smart as can be, and sweet to his baby brother.
Savannah is just the same, sweet, caring giving and just wonderful! She loves the baby boys, and helps take care of them so much!
Cheyenne has grown into an amazing young lady, she started High School, and went to her first real dance, has her first boyfriend(ugh). She loves here little brother's and sister so much, I'm so proud of her!
Beverly has also grown into a wonderful young lady, she's in nursing school, and doing GREAT!
We had a long and eventful year, part of it good, part of it not so much, but we made it through, and will be stronger because of it.
Happy New Year!
November 04, 2010
Healing
So I have an amazing person in my life now, who is helping things heal...crazy!! He is so great I've know him since i was 6 years old so I guess he's not new but he's back, it's been so long since, I had someone around who remembers the old me (before my losses), he's also helping me with the kids to be a better mom.
Not that I'm a bad mom, just sometimes the sorrow takes away any joy I get out of holidays, I have learned that it's O.K. to enjoy the day, and still love and miss the babies! I know I should have got this sooner but amid all the crap I was going through, with other parts of my life I some how forgot....so, while I'm still really mad, (been mad for about a year now) I am finding joy in small ways. I am so grateful for my earth Angels, I'm not sure I would have the strength to go on in this life without them and Lucien is the very best rainbow I could have gotten, he brings joy to everyone, mostly me, all the time he is for sure a special spirit, and I know he was sent to help me heal.......
I really hope the "mad" goes away soon it's so exhausting! and I have found myself getting bitter, I'm sure that in time I can get through it, all*sigh*
Not that I'm a bad mom, just sometimes the sorrow takes away any joy I get out of holidays, I have learned that it's O.K. to enjoy the day, and still love and miss the babies! I know I should have got this sooner but amid all the crap I was going through, with other parts of my life I some how forgot....so, while I'm still really mad, (been mad for about a year now) I am finding joy in small ways. I am so grateful for my earth Angels, I'm not sure I would have the strength to go on in this life without them and Lucien is the very best rainbow I could have gotten, he brings joy to everyone, mostly me, all the time he is for sure a special spirit, and I know he was sent to help me heal.......
I really hope the "mad" goes away soon it's so exhausting! and I have found myself getting bitter, I'm sure that in time I can get through it, all*sigh*
Halloween 2010
we had a GREAT Halloween this year, Chy was a house wife, I thought it was FUNNY!!! she was embarrassed until people told her how great she looked, Savannah was a lady bug (of course) Merrick was, Spider Man, he loves it so much he won't take it off,lol and Lucien was a lawn Gnome, OMG he was so cute!!!
October 25, 2010
October Birthday's
I'm late on this post, but it was Chy's Birthday and then Bears....
Chy is now 14 and in High School, she gets more amazing everyday and is really enjoying High School, she's in Band and Chior, and also the Christan Club, not sure what that is but she seems to like it. She has bloomed into a beautiful young lady, inside and out too. She loves her brothers so much, she likes Sassy sort of,lol
Bear(Merrick) is 4 now and so wonderful, he talks more and more everyday and growing like a weed!!!! I'm so proud of him! he is adjusting so well to our move and is even mor loving then ever, tonigh when I got home after looking at a house for us to move into, he ran to me saying "give me love, your home" then he insited on making me kiss him twice, he is the best 4 year old I could ask for!!!!!
Chy is now 14 and in High School, she gets more amazing everyday and is really enjoying High School, she's in Band and Chior, and also the Christan Club, not sure what that is but she seems to like it. She has bloomed into a beautiful young lady, inside and out too. She loves her brothers so much, she likes Sassy sort of,lol
Bear(Merrick) is 4 now and so wonderful, he talks more and more everyday and growing like a weed!!!! I'm so proud of him! he is adjusting so well to our move and is even mor loving then ever, tonigh when I got home after looking at a house for us to move into, he ran to me saying "give me love, your home" then he insited on making me kiss him twice, he is the best 4 year old I could ask for!!!!!
Cheyenne Homcoming 2010 September 19, 2010
we moved
I hate moving, but we did again..... it really wasn't so bad this time I had lots of help, and most things went in storage.
However the first few days were VERY overwhelming, and Merrick kept crying that he wanted to go home, poor guy. He will be starting preschool next week so he should be happy, Savannah starts school on Tuesday, and Cheyenne already started and LOVES it!!! she's even going to the Homecoming dance, so cute!!! She has band and choir this year she is so amazing!!!
It is so pretty and green here, I missed trees so much, it's almost like being back home in the mountains, just not as many twisty roads
However the first few days were VERY overwhelming, and Merrick kept crying that he wanted to go home, poor guy. He will be starting preschool next week so he should be happy, Savannah starts school on Tuesday, and Cheyenne already started and LOVES it!!! she's even going to the Homecoming dance, so cute!!! She has band and choir this year she is so amazing!!!
It is so pretty and green here, I missed trees so much, it's almost like being back home in the mountains, just not as many twisty roads
August 25, 2010
another year without you....
It's been another year and I'm miss you more then ever......every time I try to be positive, I find no reason to be, I'm not going to the Cemetery, it hurts too bad!
A dear friend told me, maybe it was time to move on... how can I move on with out you? There is a HUGE piece of my life missing.
Wow, has it really been 15 years? it still hurts like it was yesterday. all I wanted was to hold you both and raise you and love you, but I guess all I get to do now is just love you, and I do love you more then anything!
Happy Birthday Layla and Shannon!!!
August 23, 2010
Starting over alone
Well as some may know, Mike and I have separated, and so now it's just me and the kids.....I'm not sure I'm going to do a great job but I sure will try to make sure that the kids know how much they are loved daily!!!!
July 19, 2010
Happy Birthday
my Dear Son,
you'd be 19 today, no one remembered just me, I sit here a cry because i still miss you so much, I wonder if your dad ever think of you, not that I care what he feels, but it would be nice to know someone else remembers that you were here. It's hard to believe that I should have a 19 year old son, I wonder who you look like and how tall you are, I miss all the thing that should have been, your first birthday, first steps, first day of school, your first everything, I hope someday I get to share these with you. I love you beyond words and I know you were here, might have only been 18 weeks but long enough to fall in love with you.
Happy Birthday my sweet son, I Love You so very much!!! miss you every day!
you'd be 19 today, no one remembered just me, I sit here a cry because i still miss you so much, I wonder if your dad ever think of you, not that I care what he feels, but it would be nice to know someone else remembers that you were here. It's hard to believe that I should have a 19 year old son, I wonder who you look like and how tall you are, I miss all the thing that should have been, your first birthday, first steps, first day of school, your first everything, I hope someday I get to share these with you. I love you beyond words and I know you were here, might have only been 18 weeks but long enough to fall in love with you.
Happy Birthday my sweet son, I Love You so very much!!! miss you every day!
June 18, 2010
Talking and stuff
so every Sunday morning the kids come and snuggle with us in our bed, it's something we started years ago, I love it!!!
anyway we're all in there the bed is very full of silly wiggly kids hugging and saying Good Morning, so Lucien is sitting on my lap and Daddy says "hi Lu" to him.... Lu looks right at daddy and says
"hi dad". My heart melted it was so sweet, daddy even had a tear or two, ok ok i know kids talk but it was just so darn sweet!!!
as it turns out our big ole' guy says lots of things now, thank you, mom, dad, sissy, bear(Merrick's nick name)baba, juice, this,what's that, i know, not me, (lol comes in handy) what, and la la la, I think he's singing.....so not bad for a 1 year old!!!
of course he's all over the place and is a climber!!! and an escape artist!!! but he is the happiest baby I have ever know still doesn't cry except when he wants turned over, lol ( still spoiled form the NICU)or gets hurt and even then it's not a cry just a grump, he loves to play with his brother the two are trouble looking to happen!
(real quick let me tell you about his stay in the NICU, if he would grunt or fuss they would turn him over so even now when he's asleep if he wants to turn over he fusses till someone does it, he's a bit spoiled but who cares, he's only going to be little once.......)
He's such a big guy now, going to grow up way to fast......
anyway we're all in there the bed is very full of silly wiggly kids hugging and saying Good Morning, so Lucien is sitting on my lap and Daddy says "hi Lu" to him.... Lu looks right at daddy and says
"hi dad". My heart melted it was so sweet, daddy even had a tear or two, ok ok i know kids talk but it was just so darn sweet!!!
as it turns out our big ole' guy says lots of things now, thank you, mom, dad, sissy, bear(Merrick's nick name)baba, juice, this,what's that, i know, not me, (lol comes in handy) what, and la la la, I think he's singing.....so not bad for a 1 year old!!!
of course he's all over the place and is a climber!!! and an escape artist!!! but he is the happiest baby I have ever know still doesn't cry except when he wants turned over, lol ( still spoiled form the NICU)or gets hurt and even then it's not a cry just a grump, he loves to play with his brother the two are trouble looking to happen!
(real quick let me tell you about his stay in the NICU, if he would grunt or fuss they would turn him over so even now when he's asleep if he wants to turn over he fusses till someone does it, he's a bit spoiled but who cares, he's only going to be little once.......)
He's such a big guy now, going to grow up way to fast......
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